Wimpy

This journey has pointed out my weaknesses with glaring clarity. It’s highlighted the fact that I am, well…wimpy.

After all we are from the land of comfortable. We have control over everything. Our storage units have more climate control than houses and shopping centers do here. Yes, storage units…for things that don’t fit in our houses.

The old slogan from Burger King… “have it your way”, is not a thing here. If it’s not a button on the menu or cash register, you cannot customize it. If you try to, your burger just may come as a lonely plate of fries.

We now live where lines are long, traffic is insane, and one errand will eat up your entire day. The inside temps fluctuate as fast as the outside temps and the car A/C never quite works which means I’m uncomfortable… a lot.

I’ve probably written about it before … how it’s a weird balance. The “suffering”. The “hard”. The “stress”. The “culture shock”. It still catches me by surprise and sometimes is then followed by guilt. It’s one of those BOTH/AND moments. Holding on to the gratitude and the guilt together. As life could always be worse right? (as we always say at unhelpful times)

But what it does do is bring me to a new awareness, a new compassion. New eyes to see those living around me, those with a tougher skin…to those who appear with a new aire of courage to me. It’s layered. It’s complicated.

It’s watching multiple nationalities struggle to navigate the visa process in a new country while knowing more languages than I do. It’s passing the makeshift shanties at the stop light caving in with rain. It’s seeing those lighting up their crack pipe in broad daylight. It’s hearing of those leaving their children at home while they go seek release somehow… it somehow looks different now. It makes more sense… not as a free pass to some of these things or an excuse but seeing it now more as a result of many things…a stress response to conditions, to hard circumstances, to trauma … to being alone. Well I knew that on paper, I knew that from studying… but now it has a feeling and a face.

I’ve gotten to see and feel my own intensified stress response to various things these past two years (that is a passionate talk for another day). But I can tell you this: I would not survive very long where I see others living mentally or physically. I just wouldn’t.

Slowly, I can feel God softening my edges. I can feel Him speaking into these circumstances that yes, can be a result of poor choices but sometimes, most times, they aren’t caused by one thing or one moment.

And He gently reminds me that I am not above making my own poor choices or receiving the bad luck that others have gotten from such a hard broken life here on earth. He’s teaching me to not be so quick to judge. He’s teaching me empathy. He’s teaching me to care harder and deeper. He’s teaching me we are all just plain wimpy without Him.

-Ashley